I feel I am not being taken seriously. The severity of my situation has reached a climax. All and any who can help, please respond! Your speed is appreciated.
Oh no, I'll take you seriously. I'm drawn to taking the unusual and bizarre as seriously as I take anything else presented me.
Oddly, I'll take your plea for help more seriously than Heart Disease, SARS and the current state of the economy.
So, allow me to help you with this:
Kenyan Lions are large. Male lions weigh about 550lbs. But they're lazy, Sir, and if you're intelligent about your dealings with them, you shouldn't have to worry. Just give them space.
Female lions on the other hand, they'll kill you and eat you, but only if you provoke them, threaten their cubs or look sick or wounded.
You appear a rather robust gentleman. Stay that way and you'll stay alive.
Some male lions have been known to hunt out human prey, but only if said prey has been encroaching on your territory. So, if you do make a foray into a lion's domain, don't leave an easily trackable trail. Remember, your pursuer is a true hunter, not a human. Disguising your foot prints won't help. Cover your path in elephant dung. Lions don't hunt elephants. If you smell like one, you won't smell like food.
Lastly, you may be tempted to camp under trees. If you do, investigate them carefully for claw marks. Jaguars, who will hunt and kill for sport, never intending to eat their quarry, are nocturnal and often siesta or survey in trees.
Last thing you need is for one of them to find you camping under its favorite rest spot and think you look like fine sport.
Alas, friend, I fear my time is running short. My time in the wild was not intentional - this time. I also believe I have made a fatal mistake.
By talking to you I have become prey to something much worse than the beast I so recently have come into contact with. This new hunter is hell bent on obtaining some secrets I hold in my head - secrets of monumental impact on the world as we know it today.
Unfortunately, my new enemy garbles his lines of communication with spanish, the only romance language I have yet to master. Please enlist the help of Red5 in my attempts at breaking the code. Get him in contact with me, and I will almost surely be able to return to my home.
Certainly, Sir. I'll fetch you a Red5. Why wouldn't a strange man claiming to be trapped in the African wilds want to talk to an even stranger man who says he's hiding out in post-apocalyptic Colorado.
You two should totally be friends. I'll put you in touch.
I do not fare well these days. I have intercepted a coded radio transmission from my enemy. Please help me translate. My spanish is limited, so please excuse my grammatical errors.
"El anciano ha llegado a ser débil. Nosotros lo tomamos el viernes en el cruce de ferrocarril."
7 comments:
Oh no, I'll take you seriously. I'm drawn to taking the unusual and bizarre as seriously as I take anything else presented me.
Oddly, I'll take your plea for help more seriously than Heart Disease, SARS and the current state of the economy.
So, allow me to help you with this:
Kenyan Lions are large. Male lions weigh about 550lbs. But they're lazy, Sir, and if you're intelligent about your dealings with them, you shouldn't have to worry. Just give them space.
Female lions on the other hand, they'll kill you and eat you, but only if you provoke them, threaten their cubs or look sick or wounded.
You appear a rather robust gentleman. Stay that way and you'll stay alive.
Some male lions have been known to hunt out human prey, but only if said prey has been encroaching on your territory. So, if you do make a foray into a lion's domain, don't leave an easily trackable trail. Remember, your pursuer is a true hunter, not a human. Disguising your foot prints won't help. Cover your path in elephant dung. Lions don't hunt elephants. If you smell like one, you won't smell like food.
Lastly, you may be tempted to camp under trees. If you do, investigate them carefully for claw marks. Jaguars, who will hunt and kill for sport, never intending to eat their quarry, are nocturnal and often siesta or survey in trees.
Last thing you need is for one of them to find you camping under its favorite rest spot and think you look like fine sport.
Luck.
-Robbery Joe
Alas, friend, I fear my time is running short. My time in the wild was not intentional - this time. I also believe I have made a fatal mistake.
By talking to you I have become prey to something much worse than the beast I so recently have come into contact with. This new hunter is hell bent on obtaining some secrets I hold in my head - secrets of monumental impact on the world as we know it today.
Unfortunately, my new enemy garbles his lines of communication with spanish, the only romance language I have yet to master. Please enlist the help of Red5 in my attempts at breaking the code. Get him in contact with me, and I will almost surely be able to return to my home.
Oh geeze. You people.
Certainly, Sir. I'll fetch you a Red5. Why wouldn't a strange man claiming to be trapped in the African wilds want to talk to an even stranger man who says he's hiding out in post-apocalyptic Colorado.
You two should totally be friends. I'll put you in touch.
I've done my research. Do not ridicule my position. Your help will not go unnoticed.
Venerable Sir,
I see your name can not be disclosed at this time. It seems we find ourselves in similar situations.
Though I do not know what I can offer aside from companionship, consider me at your service.
How do you do?
-Red5
I do not fare well these days. I have intercepted a coded radio transmission from my enemy. Please help me translate. My spanish is limited, so please excuse my grammatical errors.
"El anciano ha llegado a ser débil. Nosotros lo tomamos el viernes en el cruce de ferrocarril."
I must know what this says. Post haste!
Sir, I believe you are in grave danger.
To the best of my knowledge, your opponent seems to think you've grown weak, and plans to "take" you on Friday, by the railroad tracks.
Take, in this context, may mean kidnap, rape or fight. No matter what, this foe seeks to harm you.
I wish there were some way to provide assistance.
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